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...Cathy, a successful doctor, becomes too unwell to practice and is forced to face a reality that she had known for some time - she had no memory of 10 years of her childhood. Cathy's intensely personal first work weaves a tale back and forth through time and space, capturing the confusion and despair of both the child and the adult as she searches for certainty in a world of shadows and falsehood.
As her past catches up with her, she relives the terror and agony of her repeated rape and torture at the hands of a revered doctor friend of her family. Over time more horrific memories emerge, as do the different parts of Cathy's mind which had separated years earlier to shield the little girl from her ongoing trauma.
Cathy's father who she loved had first sexually abused her at the age of four, and that abuse escalated during her childhood. For several years when Cathy was very young, her father had taken her to her grandmother's house,where a sadistic hooded cult had subjected her to incomprehensible acts of cruelty.
Although, at times Cathy's story challenges one's faith in the nature of humanity it ultimately affirms the capacity of the human spirit to survive and flourish despite it all. It challenges the reader not only to believe, but to understand and to empathise - for there but for the grace of God...
The story ends with a quiet sense of hope as Cathy describes her recovery from those ten forgotten childhood years, her renewed relationships with her husband and children, and her enthusiasm for the next phase of her life.
Both in her memoir and in her work Cathy works to 'chip' away at the ignorance, resistance and denial that foster the conditions in which child abuse flourishes.
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Emeritus Professor Freda Briggs AO - Emeritus Professor of Child Development
Professor Briggs is perhaps Australia's best-known expert on child protection.
"This book is a sensitive and detailed account of one woman's struggle to overcome the effects of severe childhood trauma. As a professor of child development I am all too aware of the importance of nurture and care in the early years and the long-term disastrous effects of abuse. Cathy's book highlights some of the creative ways in which child victims cope with horrendous experiences. It shows the typical refusal of the mother to believe and protect her child and stop the abuse. It shows how hard it can be for adult survivors to live comfortable in loving sexual relationships and the strain this imposes on partners and family members. When children are not supported, they may push their traumatic experiences to a corner of the memory where they remain until a trigger leads to their return.
Cathy's capacity to dissociate as a child helped to save her and her ability to repress all memory of her abuse allowed her to function to some extent. But still, she knew that something was wrong. Her survival as a child and again as an adult coming to terms with her trauma is a testament to human resilience. Child sex abuse is known to be one of the greatest contributors to later mental illness, substance abuse, self harm and suicide. I hope her story will encourage others to create a safer and more caring world for children.
The following is taken from the address given by Mark Tedeschi QC, Senior Crown Prosecutor, NSW as he launched Dr. Cathy Kezelman’s memoir: ‘Innocence Revisited – a tale in parts’, Author, Dr. Cathy Kezelman, ASCA Chairperson
"This book is a roadmap for other victims of child sexual abuse who are facing the trauma of dealing with events that happened many years earlier. It is a strong message of hope for those staring death in the face, those who cannot see a way forward into a life of health, those who face rejection of their memories from family and friends, those who daily revisit terror and abject physical cruelty they experienced as children, and those who fear they are losing their minds and descending into madness. This book is a message of hope in a bottle and a roadmap towards health for those who feel isolated, lost and terrified.
The book is a very harrowing account of child sexual abuse and the protracted period of time that Cathy Kezelman spent recalling her childhood abuse more than 40 years after the events. More than a memoir by a victim of child sexual assault it is more than anything a vivid and emotionally poignant portrayal in the first person of the intricate psychological and emotional contortions that a child will go through in an attempt to ensure the child’s psychic survival during a time of abject terror. It is also a dramatic and detailed description of the psychological processes involved in an adult striving for the state of health that comes from exhuming those memories of child sexual abuse that were deeply buried so many years previously.
There will be some people who read this book who will be reluctant to believe that such abject cruelty to a child or young adolescent could happen. As a prosecutor in the criminal courts for more than 25 years, I can tell you that it does happen and that it exists in every segment of our society and most other societies.
Some people who read this book will find it hard to believe that such abuse and cruelty could emanate from family friends and family members. As a prosecutor, I can tell you that it frequently does emanate from such people. Some people who read this book may find it hard to believe that a complaint of sexual abuse to a trusted close relative like a parent could be rejected so peremptorily and dismissively and over such a long period of time. As a prosecutor, let me tell you that the reality is that it is extremely common to have a cursory dismissal of an allegation of CSA by a parent or other close relative, and such disclosures often result in families dividing between those who accept the allegations and those who do not. This dismissal of a child’s complaint represents a double betrayal of the child’s trust and sense of security – the first betrayal by the perpetrator, and the second betrayal by the person who has wantonly dismissed the complaint without making the slightest attempt to seek out the truth.
Some people who read this book will find it hard to believe that a child could be a victim of abuse from multiple perpetrators. Let me tell you that statistics clearly show that sexual abuse of a child at a very young age of itself renders that child more susceptible to later sexual abuse by another perpetrator, and also to sexual exploitation as an adult.
This book will be seen as a landmark in its intense portrayal of the way in which a child can survive severe sexual abuse by dividing their very essence into segments. When you read this book you go through every stage with Cathy and you feel her suffering so acutely. But you also feel her triumphs in conquering many of the demons that beset her for many years during the period that her memories were resurfacing."
Mark Tedeschi QC, Senior Crown Prosecutor, NSW 27th February, 2010
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